The Great Cholesterol Hoax of 2012

Shortly before the world was scheduled to end in December of 2012, there began to appear a spate of ads and articles about a new type of cholesterol. The big
Pharm wasn’t expecting the world to end. They began running a vigorous campaign for their new medications.

We had grown up believing that cholesterol was a silent killer. Thousands of commercials had depicted arteries slowly being clogged by big saucer shaped things. When the saucers filled the artery the patient would die, and be unable to purchase any further medications. No cholesterol medication, no blood pressure medication, no pain medication, no medication period.

It was a shock some years ago when we learned that there were two kinds of cholesterol:good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. Dammit! We had to recalibrate our medications. Now we were taking pills that helped the good cholesterol and pills to fight the bad cholesterol. K-POW! These medicines kicked the butt of bad cholesterol, breaking up those life threatening clogs.

The good cholesterol cells had smiley faces and were shaped like bananas. They slid right through the blood platelet traffic jams like motorcyclists during the commute hours.

Soon we were contentedly taking pills to enhance our good cholesterol and inhibit our bad cholesterol. Few of us would die any time soon, unless, of course, the world ended.

It seemed for a moment as if the earth shook when announcement of a new factor in the cholesterol recipe reached popular awareness. This was called Entropic Cholestrol, or EDL. There were four combinations: Entropic High Density Lipoprotein (or EHDL) and Non Entropic High Density Lipoprotein (that is, NHDL). Of course there were its nemeses in the other corner, the Entropic Low Density Lipoproteins and the Non Entropic Low Density Lipoproteins.

It had been difficult enough memorizing the two types we’d had before. The good cholesterol was HDL or High Density Lipoprotein, and the bad cholesterol was LDL or Low Density Lipoprotein. Now I had more terms to memorize. I had been using a simple mnemonic. I taught myself to think of something good to associate with good cholesterol, or HDL. Simple. Think of HDTV! High Definition Television is a good thing, especially when watching football games. With HDTV I can see the beads of sweat flying off a wide receiver’s dreadlocks when he gets hit by the opposing free safety. So…HDTV good equals HDL good. This simplified matters, as I had only to memorize one concept, HDTV. I wed that concept to Good Cholesterol and I had it made. I could just as easily have created a mnemonic for bad cholesterol. I needed a catchy concept using the L letter for LDL I could have used something like, oh, liver sandwich or Lucifer’s crotch, but these mnemonics didn’t have the same spring-to-mind quality as did HDTV. After all, we are reminded of HDTV every day because it’s all over the place!

You can imagine how disturbed I was when yet another sort of cholesterol pair was revealed, called Entropic Cholesterol and Non-entropic cholesterol.

I am again confused by the new terminology. How can I interpret my blood test results now that I’m burdened with Entropic and Non-entropic cholesterols? I’ve already forgotten; which was the good one? Oh yes, the Entropic High Density Lipoproteins. That’s simple: I can add the word Extra! when I think of High Definition Television because surely that’s coming, Extra High Definition Television. Or is it here already? Anyway, by thinking of EXTRA high def television, I can read my blood tests and translate the Entropic High Density Lipoprotein (EHDL) as the good one, and, uh…wait a minute…Entropic equals good, right? Yeah, that’s right! And HDTV is my good cholesterol. So if I have Extra High Density Lipoproteins on the home theatre screen, I should be safe from sudden heart attack.

The pharmaceutical companies began to manufacture medications to raise the levels of Entropic High Density Lipotelevision, and the other kind, the medication to lower levels of Non-Entropic Low Density Liposuction. Of course I had to continue my regime of the earlier medicatioins because the pharms had yet to manufacture an all-in-one cholesterol pill. I had to take the Low Density Lipoprotein boosters along with the HighDensity Liposuction inhibitors, or…wait a minute, I think I got that backwards. It’s, wait a minute….Extra High Definition TV is the good stuff, the Entropic High Density Surround Sound Home theatre, that is the good cholesterol, or, since it’s the latest medical breakthrough in understanding cholesterol, I should call it the Good Good Cholestrol Booster, and there’s the Bad Good Cholestrol inhibitor. No, that’s not right. The Bad Good Cholesterol, the Non Entropic High Density Lipoprotein needs to be regulated at a level of less than 100 miligrams per mililitre, while the Bad Bad Cholestrol should be held at less than seventy milligrams per mililitre, and…..oh, wait a minute….let me see, there’s the good good cholesterol, the bad good cholesterol, the good bad cholesterol and the bad bad cholesterol…so there’s EHDTL, NEHDL, LNEHTV `1““““`…uh NELDL…wait…I’m getting really confused. I got the pills today, let me look in my bag. Here they are. They have their cute pharm names. Theres’s Propera, generic name Hispec, which is the good bad Cholestrol stuff, and the Watchitnex, which doesn’t have a generic form yet, which is the bad bad cholesterol medicine. And here’s the Yankiyudai or its generic form Lysargon, which I forget but I know I have to take four a day, and then there’s the Clapsaigon, generic name Usohorni, which is, I think..no, wait a minute, that’s the one for my erections.

You know, maybe I should get back to you later on this.

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